I was walking down the hallway just now to get some coffee and saw a girl who was, in my opinion, poorly dressed. And I thought that I could have a ‘what not to wear’ moment with her. Then I subconsciously rapped my own knuckles for being judgmental. And then I realized that it’s very possible she could have the same moment with me. I hadn’t looked at myself in a full length mirror this morning, nor do I often look in a full length mirror. And I walked out of the house completely not even realizing that I forgot to put on makeup. Working in a lab has definitely taken it’s toll on my fashion sense.
But that got me to thinking ‘how often do we normally look in the mirror, proverbial or otherwise, and really see ourselves?’ The answer for me is not often. And I think some of the struggles I’ve been going through lately are due to the fact that I am holding up a mirror right now, and perhaps don’t like what I see.
I lamented to a fellow postdoc at lunch that all I do is go home and complain to my endlessly patient husband about my boss and how unhappy I am with my situation in lab. The constant micromanaging, the fear of displeasing her, the self-imposed anxiety when an experiment doesn’t work, or worse yet, doesn’t yield the results my boss has already decided we should see.
From here I see 3 potential paths, and I’m endlessly searching from within myself, my friends and family, and even the blogosphere, for the ‘right’ direction. I’m beginning to realize there is no ‘right’ direction, there are just 3 directions, and I have to choose one and move on. The three paths I see are :
1) Tactfully bring up all the issues I have with my boss and her managerial style in the lab, hoping she will take my opinion under advisement and try to make improvements. Not just for my sake, but also the sake of the poor grad students that she’s slowly draining of their enthusiasm for science.
2) Talk with another, somewhat trustworthy professor, about my situation and ask for advice (and maybe a job).
3) Leave the lab now, cut my losses and move on. (I have a first author publication already, just submitted another one, and I’ve been here for less than 2 years).
I am taking a leave of absence from the lab due to other circumstances. A leave which, at this point, is supposed to be temporary. But we just submitted a paper, and I think it would be a natural and easy thing to do to leave the lab and just not return. However, I have a requirement to the government to do another year of research or teaching or related activity due to a fellowship that I received. So, staying in my lab might be the easiest thing to do in terms of fulfilling that requirement (although, maybe not in terms of preserving my sanity and my marriage). Path #2 seems most appealing, but I have no idea how these other professors may react or if they’ll have any helpful advice whatsoever.
Regardless, my time in this position is short. At most I would stick it out another year. But a year is a long time. Is it worth sacrificing my happiness to have the stability of the job and fulfill the requirement for more research? One that I could likely fulfill doing something else, something I may enjoy more?
So back to my mirror analogy, I had a good friend in grad school who had a horrible advisor. She, sadly, ended up leaving with a Master’s after 6 long and painful years. Since about year 2, I had encouraged her to switch advisors, talk to trusted professors and see if she could change her situation. Sure, she might lose some time, but it would so be worth her sanity and happiness in the end. Unfortunately, she didn’t take my advise. I now find myself in a similar situation, and if I were me, giving myself advice, looking in the mirror, what would I say? And what would the reflection do in response to said advise?
I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out.
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