Last Day

Well folks, today is officially my last day as a postdoc!  I guess I'll have to change the description of my blog.  I haven't really done much this week, didn't even go into lab yesterday as I have very little to do.  I think this whole thing is actually starting to hit me.  The prospect of being at home with not much to do for awhile is a little strange-ok, A LOT strange!  I know I'll get used to it, but I'm glad I'm not someone who enjoys not doing much because that means I'll be motivated to keep trying to get back out there and find something I really like to do.

I have been networking, through friends, LinkedIn, and cold calls/emails to people in my area doing things I might like to do.  So far, I've been completely amazed at how kind people have been and how willing they are to share their time to talk about their career.  I e-mailed a professor at a local community college completely out of the blue, gave her a short description of my situation and asked if she'd be willing to chat with me about her job.  I'm meeting with her next week.  I realize that these are just 'informational interviews', but I still think it's the best way to find out not only about what a job really entails, but help find out about opportunities that become available in the future.

I'm looking at various types of writing and teaching right now.  I have little to no experience with either of those things (at least formally), and therefore don't know which I would like to do.  I just want to make an informed decision about my next career move because I feel like maybe that's where I got into trouble with my postdoc.  I applied and interviewed at only one place, the lab I ended up in (obviously).  I wonder if I had spent more time on the job market then, if I would have found something that would have been a better fit.  I guess I'll never know, but I can try to prevent that from happening again this time by being more diligent and doing the research.  I mean, I am a researcher, right?  That's the one thing I know I've been trained to do!

Anyway, c'est la vie!  Adios postdoc, and most likely benchwork altogether!  It's been real!

Learning Experience

As I sit here, finishing my last week or so of my postdoc, I am finally able to begin to reflect on my experience, and where it all went wrong.  I can sit here all day and play the blame game by either blaming myself or blaming my PI.  But I think in the end it's a combination of the two.   Let me explain.

The more time I spend at the bench, the more I realize it's not for me.  At one point, my PI said 'if you don't wake up at 3am thinking about an experiment, science isn't for you'.  And at the time I took that very negatively, but in a way I think she's right.  The fact is, I don't wake up at 3am thinking about science. 


It's 3am-do you know what your experiment is doing?



Now, that doesn't mean I don't love science.  I do.  I love thinking about it, talking about it, reading about it.  Many days I even love doing it.  But the nitty-gritty, day to day task of slaving through something, troubleshooting, all for the perfect image for a paper or the perfect set of data is not fun to me.  All the time, effort, and long hours that go into that one 'aha' moment, or the one exciting piece of data that feeds you for months on end is just not worth it to me. Without giving too much away about what I work on (although you might be able to guess from my 'name'), I remember thinking one late night while looking through a microscope 'what the he*$ am I doing here counting dead animals in the middle of the night?'

However, being on this path of self discovery that I didn't even know I was on, I do think my PI failed, or was at least lacking, in her job as a mentor.  I found this old article that's definitely worth reading on the Science Careers website.  My PI did not do many of the fundamental things that are suggested here.  She did keep close tabs on me, meet with me weekly, make sure I was doing experiments the way she wanted them done.  She did not, however, let me write my own papers, design and implement experiments without checking with her first, or allow me any freedom whatsoever to explore science on my own.  And since I came from a lab in grad school that did allow me that freedom, I found this environment stifling.  And I brought up these issues with her, and she just said she wasn't comfortable giving me freedom.  I always wondered, why did she hire a postdoc?  Because we have better hands than most techs?  What she should have said is that she wasn't comfortable giving anyone any freedom and wants to have her finger on everything going on in lab.  Maybe this is the curse of the new PI, but I'm afraid it may backfire in the end.  At some point you have to trust that you hired good people and let them do the job you hired them to do.  Not just have a lab full of techs.

So in the end, I figured out I don't want to spend more time at the bench (or at least much more time...I may have to for a little while to pay back the government).  And I figured out I don't work well with certain types of people.  And maybe that knowledge is going to be invaluable to me in the future.  No matter what, you should be able to learn something from every experience, good or bad.  So I'm still figuring out the important things I learned from all this-and I don't think it's anything that went into any of my papers.

Title Change

Ok, since I just started with this whole blogging thing, and I admit it wasn't necessarily very well thought out, I've decided to change the title of the blog.  I searched to try to make sure no one else had that title...(if someone does, please let me know and I'll change it!!!)

Anyway, this is really what this blog will be about going forward, since I'm 2 weeks away from making the leap from academic post doc to...well, something else.  I just haven't figured that next part out yet...

The military and choices

Over the weekend hubby and I went to say goodbye to some friends who are being moved due to new military orders.  This happens all the time in this business, so goodbyes are something we're all used to (or getting used to).  It was a lot of fun, and a lot of people we hadn't seen in awhile were there to send them off.  I have made some good friends among the military community.  I, like many people in the general population (and perhaps in academia especially), had some preconceived notions, maybe we can even call them prejudices, about people associated with the military until I was one of them.  But I once again have been schooled through first hand experience that you can't make assumptions about anyone.

Most of the guys in the military are nice, respectful, and like to have a good time.  Plus, I respect them because they're dedicated to something in a way few of us can understand.  And their wives/gf's, who got me through my first deployment experience, are friendly and accepting and really do a lot to help each other out in a way that I find rare in most other circles.  All that being said, it is still sometimes like entering the twilight zone while talking to them.  Most of these women have careers.  They've all worked hard to get where they are.  Yet every single one of them willingly follows her spouse around to wherever they may end up and generally seems fine with it!  Now, that's not exactly true, they all struggle when they're forced to go somewhere less than desirable.  But they let their spouses go to a place that's good for his career, even if it's crappy for the wife.

Maybe I just haven't really accepted the military life.  Maybe it's the fact that being sent to Japan is a very real possibility for me in the near future.  But I know a lot of dual career couples outside of the military, and more often than not, they choose to be commuter couples.  They choose to live apart so they can both have the careers they want rather than one giving it up for the other.

Why is it that my friends with graduate degrees who aren't married to the military (yes, I wrote it that way on purpose) refuse to follow their spouses around, yet all my friends who are married to the military, many of them with graduate degrees, just 'find something' or 'figure something out' wherever their husband goes?

This is all a personal choice, I know.  It's just such a strong trend that I can't really ignore it.  Particularly when I'm trying to figure out which way I would choose to go, should I be faced with such a decision.  Maybe people in the military are more on the conservative/traditional side and following husbands around is just something that doesn't grate against their feminist leanings of NEVER following a man around, even if he is your husband.  ;-) 

In the end it all comes down to how that individual, or couple, wants to live their life. And I think either choice is fine.  If I had to make a choice about it right now, I'd follow the husband around since I currently don't have a career path laid out or even a job that I love.  But if I did, or when I (hopefully) get one, I think that choice may become more difficult.

So, any thoughts about dual career couples and how to handle it?  I'd love to hear what people have done, what compromises people made or didn't make. 

Baby Gap-not just a store

An excellent article in The Chronicle of Higher Education by Mary Ann Mason, which I encourage you to read here, talks about the real gender gap in academia and how, basically, it's not being measured properly.  Some of the statistics they have are staggering.  Here are a few nuggets:

We found that, across all disciplines, women with children were 38 percent less likely than men with children to achieve tenure. Most women do not even enter a tenure-track position. Instead, they are twice as likely as men with children to work in part-time or nontenure-track positions.

And

Among tenured professors, only 44 percent of women are married with children, compared with 77 percent of men.

Ok, fine.  Maybe most women in academia don't want kids.  But then there's this one, which kills me:

Thirty-eight percent of the faculty women we surveyed (compared with 11 percent of men) reported that they regretted not having more children.

Maybe I should have prefaced this post by saying I don't have kids and have not made a decision one way or another about whether or not to have them.  So, I can't really say that I'm biased one way or another on this.  But I think this is sad, that these women probably felt they couldn't have kids and have the career they wanted, and then once they're probably no longer able to have their own biological kids, they realize they maybe made the wrong decision.  However, the obviously lacking piece of data in this study is what percentage of the population at large also says they regret not having kids?  Or at least people in other professional careers?

I think this article discusses some of the things that people are starting to really consider when talking about gender inequality, that it's not so much that we (females) don't get the degrees, or don't get hired in tenure track positions (although, I think that does still happen...), it's that we are choosing not to go that direction at all.  And many people rightfully argue that it is OUR CHOICE. 

But, perhaps if TT (or equally difficult professional career) were more friendly to women/men/people who wanted families it wouldn't have to be a choice between kids or TT.  And the fact is that the data supports the idea that women still do the majority of the care giving, whether they're professionals or not.  So, if jobs aren't supportive or conducive to family life, who suffers more?  Women. 

Many women have thought about all this much more than me and have written about it more eloquently than me, so maybe it's best if I stick to what I know in my own experience.  I'm pretty sure know that my husband never once considered whether or not he could have the career he wanted AND have kids.  Never once.  He didn't even consider whether I could have the career I wanted and have kids.  But I have graciously enlightened him to the situation I face, were we to go that direction.  ;-)  And my husband is very supportive of my career, but I also think he's more the norm.  Guys just don't think about it the same way women do.  But that's another topic altogether.

Anyway, I find it promising that people are starting to ask different questions about gender equality.  They're starting to look at more nuanced issues than simply pay or hiring discrimination.  And I think for women to truly be on equal footing with men in any profession, these are the types of questions that need to be asked.  So, bravo to everyone studying this aspect of social science.  Keep up the good work!

Done and done

Well, I did it.  I quit.  Or rather, that was the end result of what I was hoping would be a productive meeting with my PI.  I originally had a long post about what happened, but I've decided to shorten it to this:

Friday I had the epiphany moment that I apparently needed.  In our weekly meeting, my PI and I both came to the table with things we were unhappy about.  I had some specific examples of times when my boss decided to ignore my suggestions for experiments, and then months later take the same advice when it came from another professor.  I pointed out 3 specific instances of this, and she turned around and blamed me for each one.  If only I had explained my reasoning better, she argued, perhaps she would have taken my advice.  She also said I should develop that skill for my success in the future.

It doesn't matter what else happened (although, I can't promise I won't post more on this toxic relationship in the future), but it was at that moment that I realized it was time to go.  For real this time.

I realized it doesn't matter what I say, how I say it, how I approach something, how I explain something, how I try to rectify a situation gone bad, that in her eyes, whatever it is, it will ALWAYS be MY FAULT.  ALWAYS. 

This doesn't make me a bad person, or her a bad person.  (this was hard for me to realize as I obviously still harbor resentment toward her)  But it does mean we can't work together in a productive manner.  It means I'm not her, I don't work or think the way she does, she doesn't like that about me, and I'm not going to change.  And neither is she.  So we shouldn't continue to work together. 

So I told her we aren't a good match and that I think we should part ways.  After a weekend to think about it, she agreed with me, and I'm about to submit my official letter of resignation.

Onward and upward!

Have you looked in the mirror today?

I was walking down the hallway just now to get some coffee and saw a girl who was, in my opinion, poorly dressed.  And I thought that I could have a ‘what not to wear’ moment with her.  Then I subconsciously rapped my own knuckles for being judgmental.  And then I realized that it’s very possible she could have the same moment with me.  I hadn’t looked at myself in a full length mirror this morning, nor do I often look in a full length mirror.  And I walked out of the house completely not even realizing that I forgot to put on makeup.  Working in a lab has definitely taken it’s toll on my fashion sense.

But that got me to thinking ‘how often do we normally look in the mirror, proverbial or otherwise, and really see ourselves?’  The answer for me is not often.  And I think some of the struggles I’ve been going through lately are due to the fact that I am holding up a mirror right now, and perhaps don’t like what I see.

I lamented to a fellow postdoc at lunch that all I do is go home and complain to my endlessly patient husband about my boss and how unhappy I am with my situation in lab.  The constant micromanaging, the fear of displeasing her, the self-imposed anxiety when an experiment doesn’t work, or worse yet, doesn’t yield the results my boss has already decided we should see.

From here I see 3 potential paths, and I’m endlessly searching from within myself, my friends and family, and even the blogosphere, for the ‘right’ direction.  I’m beginning to realize there is no ‘right’ direction, there are just 3 directions, and I have to choose one and move on.  The three paths I see are :

1)   Tactfully bring up all the issues I have with my boss and her managerial style in the lab, hoping she will take my opinion under advisement and try to make improvements.  Not just for my sake, but also the sake of the poor grad students that she’s slowly draining of their enthusiasm for science.

2)   Talk with another, somewhat trustworthy professor, about my situation and ask for advice (and maybe a job).

3)   Leave the lab now, cut my losses and move on. (I have a first author publication already, just submitted another one, and I’ve been here for less than 2 years).

I am taking a leave of absence from the lab due to other circumstances.  A leave which, at this point, is supposed to be temporary.  But we just submitted a paper, and I think it would be a natural and easy thing to do to leave the lab and just not return.  However, I have a requirement to the government to do another year of research or teaching or related activity due to a fellowship that I received.  So, staying in my lab might be the easiest thing to do in terms of fulfilling that requirement (although, maybe not in terms of preserving my sanity and my marriage).  Path #2 seems most appealing, but I have no idea how these other professors may react or if they’ll have any helpful advice whatsoever.

Regardless, my time in this position is short.  At most I would stick it out another year.  But a year is a long time.  Is it worth sacrificing my happiness to have the stability of the job and fulfill the requirement for more research?  One that I could likely fulfill doing something else, something I may enjoy more?

So back to my mirror analogy, I had a good friend in grad school who had a horrible advisor.  She, sadly, ended up leaving with a Master’s after 6 long and painful years.  Since about year 2, I had encouraged her to switch advisors, talk to trusted professors and see if she could change her situation. Sure, she might lose some time, but it would so be worth her sanity and happiness in the end.  Unfortunately, she didn’t take my advise.  I now find myself in a similar situation, and if I were me, giving myself advice, looking in the mirror, what would I say?  And what would the reflection do in response to said advise?

I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

And so it goes

Life just keeps getting more complicated.  Or, maybe not really.  My husband casually dropped this line on me the other day. 'We might be getting orders to Japan'.  Oh boy.  Not only do we not know for sure if this will happen, we don't know when, or for how long, if it's just him or if it's both of us.  We don't even know when we'll know any of these things! 

I guess this is what happens when you say 'I do' to someone in uniform.  The only problem is, where does that leave me and my career?  Some of my friends think it would be so fun.  I can see the adventure aspect of living around the world for 3 years.  It's not permanent.  They have great sushi and I could learn to scuba dive.  But what am I supposed to do while we're over there for a career?  Be Holly Housewife?  No offense to the housewives of the world, I wish I would be happy doing that because it would make my life much easier if I didn't feel like I had to do something outside of the home.  But it just doesn't do it for me, and since I'm not a nurse or school teacher, my job is also not so portable as to be able to go to Japan and think I'll establish my career as a science writer or editor or advocate, etc.  It's not that it's impossible, it just wouldn't help me out to move out of the country while I'm trying to start a career outside of academia.

Someone suggested I can go there and teach English.  If I wanted to be an English teacher, I would have studied English in college.  Not spent the last 13 years studying science and working in a lab.  And my husband doesn't want to give up what he's worked for for the past 8 years, but what about what I've worked for?  How is that any different?  How is my career any less important than his?  Because he's a man?  Because he makes more money than I do right now?  My earning potential in the future is higher than his, once I finish my postdoc.  Why can't he be the stay at home dad if he's the one who wants kids? 

Maybe I should start talking about these issues in larger terms, since today is the beginning of Women's History Month.  Or maybe I need to become the liberated female I claim to be and do what I want despite what my husband does, and hope we meet up at some point in the future?