It's been a few days since I last wrote. Part of that is because I've been busy (well, relatively busy), and part of that is because I haven't thought of anything interesting to say. But that in and of itself got me thinking: Now that I don't have a job, have I become a less interesting person?
Obviously, my gut reaction is to say 'of course not, that's ridiculous'. But, is it?
The past couple of weeks, since I've been sans employment, I've done a lot of cleaning, been to the gym often, read a lot, watched some tv, done my volunteering job, and worked on networking and chatting with people about careers. But other than that, my current situation sort of prevents me from doing too much more. I'm leaving on Saturday to go to the opposite side of the country with hubby while he does some training. I will be spending 6-8 weeks in a beach house in a remote, small town. Which *sounds* great, but I may go all Jack Nicholson in The Shining by the end of it. Thank god our rental has wifi. After that, we return for a couple of weeks only to take off again for Europe for a belated honeymoon. That's a very exciting couple of months, something new and different that I should be excited about. AND I don't have to work! So why am I so blase about it?
I think it's because, whether or not it's true, part of me feels like not having a job makes me somehow less of a person. For as long as I can remember, I've been working toward some sort of goal. Whether it was getting into college or grad school or graduating or publishing, there was always a job and always a set of goals. And I'm seeing now that the job and those goals were very much how I identified myself to the outside world. When you meet a new person, one of the first questions is 'what do you do?' Now I don't have a good answer for that question. Well, at least I think it's not a very good answer. But why is it that I can't be ok with just being me, figuring things out and moving on? Or perhaps this is the transition that people go through while seeking employment after being gainfully employed (or studying) their entire life.
So does not having a job make me less interesting? No (maybe if I say enough times I'll believe it). But deep down, somewhere in the recesses of my subconscious, I think not having a clear career path makes me feel like I have less worth than I did before. I feel like my opinions don't matter as much, like I'm not a functioning member of society. And maybe that's why I feel like I'm less interesting. Who wants to listen to the opinions of a 'housewife'? But as soon as I walk down that road I think 'shame on me' because I know people who choose to stay at home to take care of things (most of the time that means children), and I don't think any less of them for it. So why do I think people will think less of me for taking a break to figure things out?
Anyone have any insight? Or experience with this themselves? It seems like such a silly thing and I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about time off and trips to new and different places. I'm trying to come to terms with it all so I CAN enjoy myself and figure things out and maybe learn a thing or two about myself or the world along the way. So any advice is appreciated...or you can tell me that I am in fact being a spoiled brat and to shut up about it now....
Sorry...posting this in several parts because Blogger is being a pain in the ass...
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting post. I actually had some similar ideas a few weeks ago when I was at a conference and finally had some time to sit and reflect on life, the universe and everything. I wonder how wise it is to tie up so much of our determination of self-worth, particularly in academia, in the indiscriminate opinions of reviewers, editors, grant committees etc. One of the other things I don't like about being in academia is that there is so little time to reflect. There is always this sort of ever-existing pressure that more and more time needs to be devoted to one's career if there is any chance of moving up.
I don't think you are being a spoiled brat, and I think I would have many of the same thoughts and feelings as you do if I were in your situation. It sounds to me like you're going through some sort of withdrawal. As an undergrad, then a grad student then a post-doc there is always this somewhat clearly defined "next step". Whether it's a manuscript, a grant application, a school/postdoc application, the next experiment etc. It's always looming there helping to define how it is you will spend and focus your time. But, now you are faced with an ambiguous mix of ill-defined emotions and nervous excitement as your undefined future awaits you. I can imagine this would be very disconcerting, yet quite exciting!
ReplyDeleteMy wife was actually in a similar-ish situation when we came over to the UK for my post-doc. She left her job in the US and spent 3-4 months searching for a job here before finding one, and expressed many feelings similar to what you are. In the meantime she started volunteering at a nearby elementary school and got involved in a local rowing club. This helped her bridge the employment gap, getting involved in the community. It gave her a sense of purpose and got her out in the world interacting with new people. So perhaps that would help you a bit, to find some volunteer opportunities.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck reflecting on your life's experiences thus far while on the beach and in Europe! And don't forget, you can always make people call you doctor...I still get a rise out of it!
@funkdoctorx: Thanks for the comment (as always!)!!! Yeah, I think this is not something that only academics struggle with, but something professionals who either get laid off or decide to change things up struggle with as well. I think maybe you're right, I am going through some sort of withdrawal! Withdrawal from stress! Such a strange thing...but I do like your advice. I actually do have volunteer activities with a museum when I'm at home, and that is definitely fun and fulfilling. It makes me feel like I'm still contributing to something and have some ties with the community. Ultimately, I think being in and out of a job or transitioning is something I'll have to get used to a little as I'm a military wife. I just try to look at it like I'll (hopefully) have opportunities I never would have had otherwise and try to stay positive. AND tell myself that having a high power career is not the only way I have any self worth! :-)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it makes you less interesting. I know that I developed a stutter after the first 6 weeks of being unemployed sincce I had a hard time coming to terms with "what am I now?" ... probably more of a type A perfectionistic idea from a single girl at the time with a PhD but no job. It was, in short, a very odd time for me. I never thought it would affect me like that.
ReplyDeleteIt got better once I planned things to do, writing assignments and small projects so I could see that I was indeed "doing" something. That's why I commented on your post before saying to keep a routine might be helpful.
As of my life right now, having left TT and moving into industry/other job venues, I'm thinking about this "what's the meaning" a lot... not that I have any answers right now though ;) Most of it is probably a shift from the Academic environment where you're suppose to strive for X, never be content and always look to better yourself and your research.
In reality though, a little down time, enjoying life and 'just' living is probably exactly what one needs? :)
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